for a moment

shitsandwich.

i don't feel too well. i want to leave. fly back home. this whole time i actually believed that I was enjoying myself, that I was happy here, that change was good. i feel really shit right now. i just... i miss you.

individuality

I might as well just be myself.

where oh where

hello! things have been a bit crazy at home, hence my month-long absence from blogger. my mum and i have been unpacking some boxes and organizing, so that it would be more efficient. i am starting to feel more at home in L.A. even though i really don't want to. but i must admit that everything is interesting. sara, ophie, sam, and michael have made my summer less of a bummer. now that school is about to start again, i'll try to blog more, but until then, consider me miles from the computer.

hi ophie

i saw these two guys the other day at the dmv. they were fit and all, but i found out that one of them was gay because he was checking perez hilton on his phone. not that all guys who read perez hilton are gay. it's just that his wallpaper was a shirtless fellow at the beach. i don't know if the other guy with him was gay, but it didn't seem like it. they could've been brothers, except they looked nothing alike. or maybe i'm just making shit assumptions rather quickly and they were simply mates. i hope that neither one of them stumbles upon my blog by some bloody miniscule chance. that would be terrible.

there's this girl at my school called opheliet, but everyone calls her ophie. her parents were into theatrics, so they combined ophelia and hamlet, thus calling her opheliet. she thinks it a shit name, but i told her to be appreciative for it, because it really could've been worse. anyway, she's one of my mates at school and she's also a rather amazing singer and dancer (that's just what happens when you have theater geeks for parents). well she reads my blog and she just wanted me to mention her in one of them. well it looks like i've sort of rambled on about her a little too much. hi ophie. sorry for embarrassing you.

i was thinking before going to bed last night, and i realized that i never really acknowledged how shockingly great my first year at an american school has been. although i was spewing up homesickness in my previous blog, i'm rather cheerful for the experience. but this doesn't mean i feel silly about the month-long depression last summer. how would you feel if you had to spend your eleventh and twelfth year in a completely new school and environment? i think that all i really mean to say is thank you to everyone who's helped me both here and back home. you've all been a nice help, coping with my physical and mental instabilities. my mum frankly thought that i would change when we reached the states, but no matter where i am, disorders and shit will always tag right along. i just hope she realizes that soon. but despite it all, i'm a tiny bit glad for once that she did the wrong thing. i would never have met ophie or the other wankers or have experienced los angeles like i have (although it's not as great as it looks in the photographs to be frank).

i miss westminster

there are many things about me that people call weird, but they're simply just unusual. like i would actually admit things that 75% of teens here in america wouldn't for their reputations' sake. but my name is cassie mikal kites and i get jealous really easily, but don't ever say so. i sometimes watch hannah montana and other disney channel shows that i never even bothered watching back in paddington. and sometimes, i like them. and sometimes, that's all i would watch for a period of time. a lot of kids at my school want to be my friend because of my accent but they don't think that i know that. so i tell them, and i like to watch them get really embarrassed, but i feel bad about it later on. i wash my hands about fifty times a day, or so it seems. sometimes, i talk to an invisible boy when no one's around just to be happy, or to practice how i want to act around a boy i fancy. but it never goes quite the same. everytime i swim in a pool, i pretend that i'm a nymphical mermaid. i don't think anyone would be able to tell though. when i was about to start at my new school here, i devised a plan to be a completely false person with a name like sloan and pretend that i was from antarctica. but i went with cassie from london.

p.s. the question i've been asked the most since i moved here was whether i preferred being called cassie or mikal. for the last time, i don't give a shit.

beautiful dreamer

stay awake, cass.

i don't want to fall asleep. but i'm getting teary-eyed and weary. it was a busy and wonderful day. i didn't get much sleep last night. wow, i just fell asleep right now for one whole minute.

have you ever felt like your life was ending? mine has. once already... or was it twice?

the best kind of dream is the one where you wake up crying. i believe that sentiments are much more powerful in dreams, because the morning after a tearful dream, you realize that you were completely overreacting. i feel like people become more interesting in the dream world. i would prefer to sleep forever (like sleeping beauty sans the prince!) just so i could live in my dreams, whether they be pleasant or not. i feel like i'm less afraid in my dreams. what if our dreams are actually meant to be reality, and reality is just a horrible, ongoing dream or a daily event that fuels our dreams/reality?

limbs

wow. i hate my fucking arms. and legs. they've always told me to always be myself, but if i were to be anyone right now, it would be irina lazareanu with her perfect limbs.

she's very interesting looking. sort of alien-like. she's one of those lucky people who get to look like aliens. i know what aliens look like. they're fascinating. wow. i need to stop saying things like that.